Piles of Paper and Mountains of Gratitude

Can you tell that it's my mini-vacation right now (break between summer and fall quarter, and relatively few shifts at work), and I actually have time to do things like blog? And sleep, and read, and hike, and breathe? Yeah, it's awesome. Today, I decided to do something not especially fun or crazy or festive, but highly necessary, namely organize the insanity that is my desk. Seriously, why do I have so much stuff? Especially so many papers? What are they? Where did they come from? Why did I ever think that keeping 90% of them was even remotely a good idea? I've been working on it for over two hours and still have barely made a dent.

But anyway . . . that's not the point. The point is . . .

While cleaning, I found two lovely letters from friends that I'd forgotten I had. I read through them again, and was freshly touched by them. One was a Christmas card, and one was a just-because letter, and both were full of kind words and affection. Both letters made reference to me someday becoming a "world-famous doctor," which meant a lot to me. To be honest, I'm sure I'll never be world famous, and I'll be perfectly happy just to be a clinically skilled doctor who makes a real difference to her patients and is pleasant to work with as a colleague. But it is absolutely wonderful to be reminded that people who are important to me believe I can accomplish my goals. There's so many days when I don't believe it myself -- the days I screw up, oversleep, don't study enough, don't score high enough, don't feel like I'm trying hard enough, etc . . . that hearing (well, reading, actually) someone else say, unprompted, that they think I can do this, just makes me so happy.

And it's not just the two people who wrote those letters, either. I have so many people in my life who believe in me and support me, and I am so grateful for that.

Thank you for your faith in me, guys. I will do my best to never disappoint you.

*Hugs*

Free Knife with Purchase, or, Beatrice and Chloe go to Wallace Falls

One of my goals for this summer is to go on as many hiking/camping/Anderson Island trips as I can. I feel like even after living in the Northwest for nearly three years, I haven't taken advantage of the many outdoorsy opportunities available. I love hiking, I just never seem to have/make time. But anyway, in the spirit of that, Chloe and I headed out to Wallace Falls today, piloted by the dubiously trusty Rufus, who mercifully handled the journey very well.

It was a pretty drive, and not that long, although we did add on a little extra time when we decided to assume we knew better than the Mapquest directions, and also did not stop to consider that "First Street" is actually one of the most common street names in America, and there might in fact be more than one. Yeah, that was cool. But what was even cooler was when we were passing through the thriving metropolis of Startup, Washington, and we saw a sign for a garage sale advertising "Free Knife With Purchase." We were laughing too hard and driving too fast to stop and take a photo, but personally it was my favorite part of the trip.

We had another adventure finding parking . . . Wallace Falls is a popular spot and we got there past noon, so the parking lot was full, but a cheerful park ranger informed me that I could park on the side of the road past a certain point. But because there is no justice in the world, all the nice, flat possible parking spaces were marked with giant "No Parking" signs, and once I got to the okay-to-park zone, the theme seemed to be "enjoy parking here in this ditch!" We ended up with the car tilted at what felt like a 90-degree angle (but probably wasn't, since, you know, that's not physically possible) and with me having to actively climb out of the car, but Chloe basically falling out.

Anyway, after our driving and parking adventures, we had a really nice hike. I learned about a lot of Northwesty animals that I didn't know about before: corn snakes, almond bugs, banana slugs. And the waterfalls were beautiful! It was definitely a reminder to me of how not burly I am; we hiked a total of 2.1 miles each way, and it was rated as "moderate difficulty" in my hiking book, but I was definitely red and sweaty and totally worn out by the time we reached the waterfall. Well, it's just a good reason to go on more hikes and increase my burliness level!

"I can't solve the world's problems . . . but if you've got broken people, you put them back together. That just makes sense to me."

I saw the movie Living in Emergency, about Doctors without Borders today, and it was as excellent as I had guessed it would be. I first became aware of the movie yesterday, while driving home from Trader Joe's with Chloe. We drove past the Neptune, and the sign outside had the movie's full title, Living in Emergency: Stories of Doctors without Borders. Being the complete and utter medical dork that I am, I got all excited and pointed and said "Hey Chloe, look! Look at that!!" I may have literally stopped the car. I believe her response was something like "That's awesome . . . uh, the light's green."

Anyway, today the delightful Flannery agreed to go see it with me. It's a documentary that follows four doctors to Liberia and the Congo on their missions with MSF. There's some really amazing footage, from a medical point of view; one patient featured is this woman with a hernia so huge it literally looks like a second abdomen. Some of the medical footage is really intense, if you have issues with blood I definitely wouldn't recommend it; there's one scene where you actually watch a leg amputation, and another where you see close-up as the doctors trim off infected portions of a bowel and then put the rest back in the abdomen.

I think for me, the most interesting part of the movie was seeing how the four doctors dealt so differently with what they were faced with on their missions. One was this young guy, probably not too far out of residency, who had been placed in charge of a 40-bed hospital out in the middle of nowhere and was clearly just falling apart. One is a veteran, who's done a bunch of missions, and says from the beginning of the movie that this is going to be his last one. Another was this older guy who had practiced for 20+ years before starting work with MSF, and was on his first mission but seemed to be really thriving. And the fourth one was this French doctor who was just badass. Seriously, I want to be this woman when I grow up.

Anyway, the movie made me think about how I've been getting steadily more and more attracted to the idea of working in a rural area without many resources, how even though I've always said I want to be a pediatrician, I've been thinking about doing family practice with OB, and maybe getting double boarded in ER medicine, so I can work in an area like that. And I really think I want to try to do at least one mission with MSF in my life. I'm not sure what it is about it that I feel so drawn to. I think part of it is the idea of helping people who really, truly need help and would not be getting it if I weren't there. I think that's most of it. But then of course, there's also a more selfish level. When I went to Ephrata for HCASB this year, there were four doctors in the whole town, who saw patients in clinic and covered the ER. Those four guys run the show in that little town, and every day they get to see and do things that no single doctor, especially not a family practice doctor, in a big city is going to get to do. Something about that, about getting to be in charge and autonomous like that, really appeals to me. I mentioned that to one of the docs I work with once, and he smiled and said "Let's see if you still feel that way when it's you on the line . . . it's a lot different when you're not just watching." And he has a point. I have no idea if I'm cut out for that kind of work, especially the MSF part of it. I have no idea how much I can handle, or really even what I can handle. But, somehow, I know that I really want to find out.

" . . . and therefore, never send to know for whom bell tolls; it tolls for thee."

The above is from John Donne's Meditation XVII, which is one of my favorite poems (do "meditations" count as poems? I don't even know.) ever. I thought of it today as I was reading this article, about the tens of thousands of orphans left by the earthquake in Haiti, in addition to the 380,000 orphans the country already had before the earthquake. That's, at the very least, estimating very conservatively, 400,000 children without parents or homes. I was sitting at Noah's Bagels eating my lunch today thinking about a) how mindblowing a number that is, and b) how those children are the world's responsibility now; that even though this tragedy happened in a country that might be far away from our safe, privileged lives in Seattle or wherever else, it is everyone's moral obligation to take ownership of it and do what they can to help. Also, I was wishing I had a huge house and a ton of money and could take in at least a few kids myself.

I do know that at some point, when I am ready to have my own kids, I want to adopt them. I know I want to be a mom (although not for several years!) and I think that saving a child from unsafe, unfair circumstances is one of the greatest good deeds anyone could perform. Doing good while also getting a chance to do something I really want seems like kind of the ultimate win-win situation.

Photo from: http://hosted.ap.org/photos/A/af50da05-26cf-47df-9976-c7a1295a7b08-big.jpg

Seattle/Oly Saturday

This Saturday was truly fantastic! I had the day completely off . . . no school, no work, no babysitting gigs, nothing. I decided the ideal way to celebrate would be getting up at 6am to go get my tires replaced. Yep, I sure know how to party. Actually, I just wanted to make sure I had time to get the tires replaced AND go to brunch with Kristine and Megan AND get down to Olympia in a timely fashion. It actually wasn't so bad . . . I dropped the Rufus (yeah, my car is named Rufus) off and spent a couple hours wandering around chilly, sleepy Ballard (I get Rufus's maintenance done at the Ballard Firestone . . . FYI, they've always done a really good job and I highly recommend them). Here's a couple of things I saw during my wanderings:

The Ballard Sip and Ship: A coffee house/post office. It wasn't open, but it looked really cute, so I googled it just now. Apparently, they serve Batdorf and Bronson coffee/espresso, as well as sandwiches and pastries, and also run a full-service post office and sell cards, gift wrap, and knicknacks. I've never heard of anything like that before; I will definitely be checking it out soon!

Carnegie's, a restaurant/bar in an old Carnegie Library building. So cool! I am definitely going there sometime!

So anyway, my original plan for my walk was to end up in Cafe Besalu, but it was too far and I was too cold, so I ended up popping into a Tully's instead. I had some coffee and hung out for awhile, and just as I was finishing my coffee Firestone called to tell me my tires were done, so I headed back, got the car, and went to meet Megan and Kristine for brunch!

We drove to Belltown and went to the Bang Bang cafe. It was excellent! Tasty, healthy, inexpensive breakfast burritios, lots of vegetarian options, but some meat stuff, too, if you're into that, and good coffee. We met the owner (well, Megan and I met her; Kristine already had), and she was really nice and friendly. Plus, it's just cool to go into a restuarant and the owner's right there, taking orders and making drinks just like the rest of the staff. Plus, she remembered Kristine on sight, which is pretty impressive considering the amount of people she must see every day.

After brunch I took off for Olympia, and spend a cozy, rainy afternoon with my aunt and cousin at RC Ridge. I've been going to RC ridge since I was a kid, but I still have trouble describing exactly what it is to people. So there's this married couple, two really awesome people, and quite a long time ago they built this big treehouse type thing in the woods in Olympia. The husband takes photographs in his studio in the basement (it's where we've gotten all our family pictures done since I was little). Upstairs, there's homemade rootbeer, soup, and other delicious goodies. There's also a shop with beautiful jewelry and other treasures, and wonderful company and conversation. The wife (I don't know if she'd like me sharing their names on the internet so I'll just call her "The Goddess" since she jokes that her husband's the boss, but she's the goddess) is like the ultimate hostess . . . she introduces everyone to everyone else, makes everyone feel comfortable, welcome, and loved, and organizes crafts/parties/treasure hunts from time to time. RC ridge isn't open to the public; it's just friends, and friends bring their friends, etc. Most of the time when we go there we don't get pictures done or buy anything, we just hang out. Today, everyone was doing collage valentines -- making collages from magazines and putting them on little doilies which the Goddess then hung on the windows. It was so much fun . . . they are lovely people and I was so glad I got to see them today.

After RC Ridge came a deliciously fattening Red Robin dinner and then I drove home. Now I'm sleepy, and happy, and not especially excited about a day of studying and work tomorrow . . . today was like a mini-vacation, and I'm not sure I'm ready for it to be done.

A Possibly Very Exciting New Plan

Tonight, I went to the HCASB participant information session, to speak about my experiences as a participant last year. I was in a hurry to get in there, speak briefly, and get out . . . I was hungry, had been busy all day, and had a fair amount of studying left to do. When I heard that a representative from Teach For America was coming to speak at the end of the meeting, I groaned inwardly. There was no polite way I could sneak out early, it was too small a room, but I had no interest in sitting around and listening to somebody talk about something that had no relevance to me. Sure, I've seen the 3838238290 signs that TFA puts up around the UW campus periodically, and I'd sometimes even thought "Hey, if I wasn't going to medical school, that'd be pretty cool. But I am going to medical school, which is 75 times cooler." Basically, TFA recruits college graduates, trains them, and sends them into low-income, underachieving public schools to teach for two years. They publish a lot of stuff about the huge disparity between low-income and high-income schools, as well as the disparities between the futures of the students at those schools. I'd always thought it sounded like a great, well-intentioned program, but, as I said, something that simply wasn't relevant to me or my plans. But a combination of the presentation this guy gave tonight and just the wheels turning in my head changed my mind.

This guy specifically talked about Teach for America as an option for aspiring doctors. He spent two years working for TFA, and is now starting medical school in the fall. He talked about how a lot medical schools are partners with TFA, and will offer a two-year deferment (they accept you, and hold the spot for you for two years) while you work for TFA.

It wasn't that his presentation was mind-blowingly amazing or anything; he talked for a maximum of five minutes (which was good, because, although I was actually interested, I was still hungry). It was just that he pointed out a couple of things I hadn't heard before, and those couple things got me thinking.

I used to be absolutely terrified of the idea of not being in school. I think I thought that if I veered off the direct path toward my goal for even a minute, I'd somehow lose momentum and never get there. I'd become a different person, I'd forget how to study, I'd become less smart . . . yeah, it really didn't make sense. Last school year, for financial reasons, I had to become an in-state student, which meant taking two quarters part time and then one quarter off. Shockingly, I did not come back stupider, quite the opposite actually. I didn't do anything extraordinary that year, mostly I just worked a lot. But I learned, lived, and grew, and had just as many valuable experiences to show for that year as I would have if I'd spent it in school, maybe even more.

So anyway, now I'm picturing myself done with medical school, or maybe in clinical rotations, seeing my first patients. I will (hopefully), be clinically skilled and well-qualified to treat them. But people need more than that from their doctor. Empathy? Well, I'll try, that's for sure. But how much will I really know about the communities they come from or the circumstances they face? How much will I really know about anything that wasn't published in a textbook I had to read? Maybe some . . . I like to think I have slightly more life experience than my average peer. But that still isn't much. But now, say I had spent two years working with children from the same type of community where I want to practice medicine? Meeting their families, hearing their stories, learning what their lives were like and what issues they dealt with on a daily basis?

If I spent two years working for Teach for America, I'd be 25 when I started med school instead of 23. There was a time when that would have seemed like a huge deal to me, but it just doesn't now. I'll be spending a gazillion years in med school and residency anyway before I'm a full-fledged doctor, what's another two? I wouldn't lose anything. And I might gain knowledge that made me more able to relate to my patients, to better understand what they need, how to reach them, how to explain things to them, etc., etc. I might be a better doctor if I do this, and that in itself would make it 100% worthwhile. Also, not the most important issue, but TFA teachers make approximately $47,000 per year. That's not a fortune, but it would mean I actually started medical school with some savings, instead of virtually none. It might mean I wouldn't have to join the military to pay for medical school. Spending two years helping children who truly need help sounds a lot better than selling myself to the military just so I can enter my chosen career. After all, the reason I want to be a pediatrician in underserved communities, the reason I even decided to become a doctor, is that I want to dedicate my life to helping people who really need my help . . .

. . . I have no idea if I will actually pursue this or not, but it's an option that is on the table that wasn't before tonight. I love having options! I am so grateful for my youth and for the privileges that have been generously given to me . . . so grateful that I have choices, and that I have time to make them. :)

Photos from: http://lobellovida.files.wordpress.com/2009/05/pediatrician.jpg and http://www.educator.com/news/wp-content/uploads/2008/10/teach-for-america.png

"When we were that young, we invented the world, no one could tell us a thing . . . "

. . . that quote is from Audrey Niffenegger's Her Fearful Symmetry, which I read over winter break. I read like crazy over the break; for the most part, I don't let myself read for pleasure when school's in session, since once I get really into a book, I often literally cannot stop myself from reading until it's done, no matter what time it is or how much homework and studying I have to do. So on breaks, I make up for lost time and read whenever I can; I believe I finished three books over winter break this year!

Anyway, Audrey Niffenegger also wrote the very popular Time Traveller's Wife, which was made into a movie. For those of you who've read The Time Traveller's Wife, Her Fearful Symmetry is VERY different, but, in my opinion, every bit as good. The Time Traveller's Wife deals with the supernatural to a degree, but the main focus is on the romance between the two main characters. Her Fearful Symmetry is a classic ghost story. The estranged aunt of two 21-year-old identical twins, Julia and Valentina, dies and leaves them her flat in London. The twins move into the flat, discover that it is haunted, and the plot sort of takes of from there. I

I really enjoyed this book; it combines the whole "classic ghost story" motif with really well-developed characters and a very clever plot, with a crazy twist near the end. Also, in my opinion, it's a huge testament to Niffenegger's skill as a writer that she can write two very different but equally excellent books. Interestingly, this book was not as popular as The Time Traveller's Wife. I didn't hear any rave reviews on it, I just stumbled upon it while browsing in Barnes and Noble. The hardback copies were 50% off and there were several left; it clearly was not a major seller, which confuses me, because her first book was so popular that I would have thought people would buy this just because it had her name on it. In any case, I would recommend it to anybody, with the caveat that if you're expecting another The Time Traveller's Wife, you're going to be disappointed. If you're just expecting a very well-written novel-plus-ghost-story, though, you will probably have as much fun with this book as I did!